Modern Medicine

There is something sobering about death.

Sometimes, I forget that one day I’m going to die. As someone with an anxious temperament, I like the reminder that I will die because it allows me not to worry about the little things and focus more on big things in life.

In medicine there is a lot of death. There is variability across specialties, but you definitely are surrounded by it more than the average person. I think it makes for an atmosphere where you can’t really escape the sobering reality that we will all die one day and that the things that are most meaningful should be prioritized in this limited time that we do have.

At a lot of med schools, a required reading is the Death of Ivan Ilyich. It was actually the first short story I read by Tolstoy and it gave me a glimpse into how powerful fiction stories can be in delivering truth about life.

The book opens with the aftermath of Ivan Ilyich’s death, a high-court judge in 19th century Russia, and his colleagues have just learned about his passing and they respond with indifference, speaking together about how his death will affect their own prospects.

The story then recounts the life of Ivan, a man who values societal norms and material success above all other things. He does what society expects from him, he get’s married to the rigth person, he follows beaten path to rise the ranks of society becoming a judge.

Suddenly, Ivan is struck with a terminal illness that makes him bed ridden, and he is thinking back on his life. He is, for the first time in his life, reflecting on his life, the purpose, the meaning behind everything that he did. He realizes that he lived a largely empty and superficial life, never really thinking for himself, but rather allowing the dictates of the world, the values of the people around him, to shape his every next move. He comes to the conclusion that he never lived authentically.

His impending death forces him to face the reality of his life. Facing death, he confronts the truth about his existence, and finally acknowledges his faults and the falsehoods of his life. And, though it doesn’t bring back his life, it does give him a sense of release and peace to acknowledge the truth. Right before his death, he is able to accept his fate and forgive himself and others. Yet, his profound suffering and regret prior to death make you wonder as a reader, how can I avoid that life? Well, the story also makes you realize that the vast majority of us are living like Ivan if we are being honest.

How many people actually do what their heart tells them is right, that they feel they want to do because it is meaningful and the way they want to spend their last moments? Not many. Most of us just look around us to figure out what we ought to do. We absorb the values of our societies which is often money, fame, status, and power.

This story always encourages me to insist of living a life according to values that I have found to be good, right and worthy of spending my life pursuing. Obviously, it isn’t easy to do that and most times I just drift throughout my days, week, and months until I look back and am I’m like wow, can’t believe I just spent all that time on auto-pilot. What will it look like for me to live authetically? How I can be the kind of the person that –when I am about to die– I can think, ‘damn, I lived a pretty good life’.

I guess doing this blog is sort of a step in the right direction. Something just feels right about it. I’m finally getting some of my thoughts out clearly in some coherent form. I am also not doing this for anyone, I actually want to just share some honest thoughts with the world. Hope you enjoy it, because I am.